My frozen snot gushed out of my nostrils like a Mountain Dew slurpee filling a 16oz. 7-11 cup. As I looked at my hands I realized that the purple color was not from gloves, rather, my leathery, semi-frostbitten hands. I felt that my chicken legs were shaking so fiercely I knew I just had to look like a rooster flapping its wings during mating season. It was the worst weather I’ve experienced at any time of my life (I’m from Colorado, mind you) and I knew I was going to be sick. Sure, the city was perfectly picturesque, like one of those montages you see in paintings, or described in manuals or seen on the History Channel, but the bloody cold ruined everything for me.

Before I left on this excursion, my friend had offered me three tablets of Airborne, the pill that turns water into a magical elixir preventing any cold, anytime, anywhere.

Yes, I’ve taken Airborne before. I actually bought several bottles in the past years and have consumed these tablets at every “first sign of cold or flu symptoms.” But they never worked for me. I always got sick after religiously downing this fizzy, grapefruit flavored “remedy.” All of my friends told me that they never got sick after taking Airborne, and that it really did work. I guess I was the only one who didn’t think some flavorful chalk wrapped in a tube worked…until recently.

It’s funny, because earlier this month, Airborne was sued for scamming customers into believing that the “drug” was actually a “drug.” They were sued specifically for falsely advertising and by stating that the tablets were “clinically tested.”

On a “Good Morning America” drugstore investigation, it was exposed that Airborne was no more than just vitamins. The “school teacher” that we read about on every box of Airborne who created the tablet, Victoria Knight-McDowell, finally admitted that the pill is not a cold remedy.

“I would never sit here and tell you that it’s a cure for the common cold,” she said to Good Morning. “We don’t know if Airborne is a … cure for the common cold. What Airborne does is it helps your body build a healthy immune system. When you have a healthy immune system, then it allows your body, on its own, to fight off germs.”

More so, when they said it was “clinically tested” it was literally tested by two individuals.

The statement made by this school teacher is way different from what it says on the box and in ad testimonials where it’s supposed to get rid of most colds in an hour and how it is a “miracle cold buster.”

Airborne eventually lost the lawsuit and is now refunding any customer who was swindled into purchasing the chalk-tablets.

I suppose when my peers and friends told me that this tablet really “does work” they were experiencing the placebo effect, a phenomena that occurs when one believes something so much they trick their body and brains into experiencing it, which blows my mind. At this point, I’m so impressed by the placebo effect, I’m thinking of creating multi-million dollar concoctions of my own. How about concentration tablets guaranteeing a perfect LSAT score made from Skittles? Or face wash made from Tide detergent? How about an invisible condom (If I believe that I won’t get pregnant so much, I won’t get pregnant!)

If you’ve been personally duped into purchasing Airborne, go here for a settlement.

For more information on the settlement, check this site out.
As for me, I’ll stick with my own traditional remedies–a bottle of Scotch and Whiskey always does the trick.