Do you all have the internet or television? Probably the internet, since you’re reading this article…

If that is indeed the case, you are probably familiar with Kanye West, or as I like to call him, “The gift that keeps on giving.” I’m actually a big fan of Kanye. When I first moved to LA, “808’s and Heartbreak” was my JAM album. I sang back up on “Gold Digger” karaoke just last week. But Houston, we have a problem.

BOUND 2. The music video that premiered on “Ellen” (I’m sorry, what?) back in November. What is this? This is a big old mess, that’s what this is! And it needs to stop. Now.

Motorcycles that are CLEARLY not moving and are set up in front of a wind machine; topless Kim Kardashian AGAIN and a song that isn’t even a song! It’s just talking with random sounds playing behind him.

Yeezy! I know modesty has never been your strong suit but this video is insane and not in a good way. And since you’ve decided to breed into a family that has quite literally no boundaries — we’ve seen them have sex, get married, have a baby, put out their first legal 18 nipple photos — they’re certainly not going to keep you in check.

Hova, this is on YOU! Kanye is becoming M. Night Shyamalan of hip hop. You’re going to need to step in, STAT! He’s “Lady In The Water”-ing all over himself!

And speaking of super famous people simulating sex for cheap publicity but calling it art can we talk about the “Nymphomaniac” trailer for a second?

Nymphomaniac Official Trailer from Zentropa on Vimeo.

Lars von Trier, you show boating doofus, I’m calling you out. This trailer is ridiculous. It looks like the R-rated version of “Les Cousins Dangereux.”

I made it one minute and seventeen seconds into the “Nymphomaniac” trailer without laughing, which is quite the accomplishment, considering. Aside from allegely graphic sex — which was reshot with actual porn stars and CG’d in — all I get from this trailer is Uma Thurman screaming, Willem Dafoe answering a door creepily (so, being Willem Dafoe) and Shia LaBeouf with a British accent.

Oh, and did you know it’s a Lars von Trier film? Did you miss that from the 800 times his name flashed across the screen in a 90 second trailer?

Shameless self promotion, saying things just to cause a controversy, filming real sex and then releasing it as a movie — hey wait, are we sure Lars von Trier isn’t a Kardashian?

Ladies and gentlemen! I get it! Sex sells! I’m no prude but for the love of god, put it away! Or at least do something good with it because both “Bound 2″ and “Nymphomaniac” look like they took a day to shoot and were filmed on someones web cam NOT in a good way!

Ah. What do I know?

Maybe I just need to get laid….