One of the most ubiquitous concepts in college is, well, Spring Break. The one week of the year that you can drink more booze, smoke more drugs and have more sex than you already do every other week in college.

So, when I heard that it was March already and spring break was around the corner, I decided to carpe-cubicle and do a little break-ing of my own, a virtual spring break if you may.

Now, this guide can work for any number of people. I personally am no longer in college and have a desk job. You, on the other hand, could be, say, broke and unable to afford a trip to Cancun. Or you could just very well be anti-social– that’s cool too.

For all those who cannot leave your cubicles or couch for whatever reason, don’t fret. Here’s a guide to taking a Spring Break without ever breaking the bank or leaving your seat.

How To Take A Virtual Spring Break In 5 Steps:

For those working at a desk: my sympathies. Now, if you follow these simple, straightforward steps even you, yes, YOU, can enjoy the fruits of spring break.

1) Find a yellow hat. Any yellow hat will do. Throw that sucker on your desk lamp and turn on the bulb. VOILA. Instant indoor sun.

2) Go to Home Depot and purchase a bag of sand. They should sell sand.

3) Erect a wooden box and pour said sand into box.

4) Kick off loafers and insert into sand.

5) Put some sun screen on just to engage the nose into Spring Break mode.

Now, for those without a cubicle desk this is simple. Go to a beach. They are, contrary to common Angeleno belief, quite common. Just head west they tell me. Get there, and follow above instructions sans Home Depot and desk lamps.

Wait, wait, I am missing something here. Oh yes, sneak into a college kegger, preferably around 12PM and tape record approximately 1 minute of the room.

While you are on the beach (or cubicle), play tape on a consistent loop.

Look at you, employed and/or poor student of the world. Spring Break is attainable to even the lowliest of young people. You know how I know all of this? Because I followed the steps and executed MY very own virtual spring break.

And guess what? It worked. I could practically feel the rush of fresh air and the beating sun on my cheeks. Nevermind the fact that I was invoicing bills or putting people on hold; this shit is real.

So while your friend Peter may be doing blow off of some sorority sister’s ass cheek, you can be having nearly as much fun for much less cost. Me? Well, I’ll just sit here, in my orthopedic chair, and enjoy the sweet breeze of my Seville desk fan. Take that Peter.

Now, there is plenty of room for personal taste here. Remix as you may. Adult beverages, illegal drugs and pre-marital sex can all be employed to reinforce feelings of having an authentic college spring break. High-five, dude!