Lessons Learned In Los Angeles
1. The difference between “friends” and “happy hour friends” is that “friends” know your birthday, and “happy hour friends” know your favorite shot.
2. All a USC degree means is that you’ve tried every thing on the Del Taco menu and didn’t remember it the next day. Fight on!
3. If his opening line is “I’m a producer,” RUN.
4. Your real age – 5 years = Your Hollywood age.
5. You can tell how long a girl’s been in LA just by her sexpectations:
“I’m gonna fuck a celebrity.” – girl who’s been in LA for 1 week
“I’m gonna fuck a rich guy.” – girl who’s been in LA for 2 weeks
“I’m gonna fuck a reality star.” – girl who’s been in LA for 3 weeks
“I’m gonna fuck THAT guy.” – girl who’s been in LA for 1 month
6. If you’re typecasting your bridesmaids, you’ve been in LA too long.
7. If you don’t know what your best side is, you’re too dumb to be an actor.
8. Stay away from anyone who says “YOLO.” They have Chlamydia.
9. You can tell your agent wants you to lose weight based on the breakdowns you’re getting submitted for. “THINK BRIT SPEARS, NOT IN HER PRIME” is a pretty good indication…
10. The only girls naïve enough to think the gay bars are safe for a girl’s-night-out are the girls who have never been spent a night getting drunk with a “new BFF” that ended in a conversation that starts with, “You’re gonna hate me, but…”
11. Female performance anxiety is a real thing. And it happens when 9 girls go into a single-stall bathroom at the same time.
12. Men in this town have perfected the art of convincing you to sleep with them, followed by making you hate them just enough so that you’ll want to do it again. Before you get mad at him, just remember: That does not make him an asshole. That makes him a genius.
13. People will give you jobs if you can act like you’re good at Twitter.
14. If your trainer has the balls to suggest that the best part of your day should be working out, you are 100% allowed to laugh. Out loud.
15. Bar conversations can go from “I help the homeless” to “I drive a Porsche” in about 5.67 seconds.
16. This city is full of transients, and I’m not just talking about the homeless people.
17. If someone is singing on the street at 5 AM, call the cops. Then find out where they’re getting their drugs, coffee, and/or boyfriends.
18. If people say your celebrity look-a-like is Fergie: lay off the drugs, reassess your life, repeat.
19. Haircuts can actually cost 300 dollars. Ask.
20. All’s fair in love and war. Until he calls you his “girlfriend.”
21. Every LA girl has that one friend who tells her everything she does, says, wears, and thinks is okay, no matter how heinous. Don’t be that friend.
22. Getting waxed really isn’t as bad as they say…
23. Girls that say they don’t like sweets are liars. I don’t care if you’re a health freak. You’d have to be a scientist to change that kind of female DNA.
24. Target has everything you need. Don’t even come to this city without knowing where one is.
25. Go ahead, walk to Starbucks looking like shit. But that’s for sure going to be the day you run into Ryan Gosling.
26. Get used to text messages as a primary form of communication.
27. A juicing habit will drain your bank account faster than a drug habit.
28. A lot of people in LA have 4 jobs. A lot of those people also think “part-time stylist” “part-time assistant” and “mystery shopper” count as jobs.
29. You’re not really famous until you’re Octomom famous.
30. If you think you’re going to meet your next boyfriend on the Westside, Godspeed.