“In one of the closest election battles between red and blue, Washington and Colorado vote green.”

“Trapper Keeper declared real winner of the election after mandatory recount.”

“Utah declared real loser of the election after mandatory recount.”

“Mitt Romney concedes by landline. Obama tweets, ‘the 1980s called, they want their concession strategy back.’”

“Skanky sorority girls across America celebrate the post-election survival of Planned Parenthood.”

“U.S. government official tells reporters .gov websites aren’t all intentionally designed like crap, it’s just coincidence.”